Intimacy and a Mature Couple with a Rare, Beautiful Resonance

Spring is in the air, the cherry blossoms starting to bloom in the streets of Vancouver, BC and surrounding communities in the Lower Mainland where I live.  When new vibrant life displays itself through nature one can’t help but have thoughts emerge of the prospect of new beginnings, despite the contrasting and rather heartbreaking challenges unfolding on the world stage.

Over these last years, since COVID, I have spent a fare bit of time in solitude to integrate the lessons from the many seasons of my life thus far, to learn and grow.  With the intent to co-create new pathways in more conscious ways.  Each decade brings new insights and opportunities.  It is a rich, rich time on so many levels emerging from rather deep and humbling personal reflection.

Have written many times of the lessons with my husband at the end of his life and in grief but kept more quiet about explorations into new relationship experiences, for my own (and others) privacy. 

My husband died in 2008.  At the time, I couldn’t even conceive of dating until about six and a half years later and even then, felt very nervous about the whole idea!  Followed by total culture shock regarding how the landscape of dating had changed!  And no, I have never done on-line dating and never will.  Though I know it has worked for some it is simply not my “cup of tea” as they say.  The mere thought is way too vulnerable, overwhelming (all that swiping or whatever people do!) and hard to fully trust.  I like to meet people and talk to them face to face in real time!  It has generally been through shared hobbies and mutual interests that I have met new connections, organically, in life.  I find it much easier to get a true sense of a person that way.  With all the senses involved; body language, voice, inflection included.

Going from my husband dying intimately in my arms, which is hard to explain in the best of times, to opening again to new romance has been a rather unique, and both beautiful and confusing journey thus far.  In my YouTube interview with Dr. Daphne Lobb on healing connections, I speak of how I had changed more than I realized after my husband’s death but was trying to stuff myself into the old way of traversing the relationship front. 

One is quick to discover there are few examples that speak to true intimacy beyond all the posturing and performing that the media and social conditioning promote.

I have spoken of Marie de Hennezel, who lives in France, in past writings and my admiration for her work.  She will be 80 this year and is a pioneer in palliative care having worked on the first palliative care unit in Paris at the height of the AIDS epidemic.  She is a respected psychotherapist and psychologist.  Her first book, Intimate Death, is one of the most beautiful books I have read on the subject.  She is not afraid of the emotional and existential realities of this life transition.  Marie has gone on to write, so authentically, about the gifts in aging, solitude, the opportunity for deeper, more fulfilling intimacy in later years, along with the mystery and invisible realms of life.  She and I have many shared interests.

These last years (in chosen moments of solitude) have been invaluable for me to revisit and learn from the intimacy I have experienced with life in all its forms.  I am a far cry from those youthful years (teenage and early twenties) working as a lifeguard and swimming instructor, then as the program director for fitness clubs where physical beauty and strength were the goal and on display for all to admire and attempt to attain.

Discovering and opening my eyes and heart to see beauty of a different sort (beyond mere glamour and superficiality) was part of my intention during the decades of hands-on hospice work.  I write about this in more detail in some of my other blogs.

As I emerge from this chosen time of introspection, I have been meeting new, varied and interesting people.  All the while imagining a more mature, resonant, secure and loving relationship in this next chapter of my life.  Woven in with deep respect, dignity, along with a sincere shared devotion and values.

My birthday was at the end of February.  Prior to attending a special screening of the film, “H is for Hawk” in Vancouver that evening, my cousin and I went to a late lunch at a local coffee shop known for its hand made chocolates and rather decadent but delicious desserts. 

Sitting next to us was an older couple who looked like they came right off the pages of a chic, Parisian magazine.  He was handsome with short grey hair and smartly dressed, she with flowing, shoulder length grey hair, dainty and quite elegant.  I couldn’t help but be quietly captivated by their energy.  There was such a beautiful resonance of an authentic intimacy and love between them that could be felt.  Both had an aura of pride and grace, and they were so present to each other.  Something that is extremely rare to witness these days.  I could not feel any form of animosity in their connection.  They were leaning into each other physically, cuddled together and when each spoke, they looked into each other’s eyes in truly invested and respectful ways.  They took delight in people watching and sharing writings and thoughts.  It was adorable to witness.

As we got up to leave and passed their table, I couldn’t help but wonder about their lives.  Told them they should be in a chic Parisian magazine.  They had accents too!  Also shared that it was my birthday and when I told them my age (though moving into mature decades myself) they laughed and said I was young!  Turns out he was 84 and she 79.  I smiled and said, “Well it has been a gift to sit next to you and feel your love for each other!”  They smiled and were touched.

As we left, I wondered if they had come to that place of harmony over decades through the many ups and downs in a marriage that would have challenged them to be refined and cause their connection to deepen in new ways?  Or had they met in later years after their own independent life lessons and relationship experiences to bring them to such a resonant place of intimacy together?  Whatever the background story it was beautiful to witness.  A lovely reminder of how we have the capacity to co-create life at every step in the journey. 

True intimacy with all of life takes courage but I have come to believe that it is worth it in the end. For me, specifically, not to be shared lightly in an intimate relationship.  Rather with another who has a similar intention for growth, earned trust, respect and dignity at its foundation.  No doubt a more authentic place to begin for a real and sincerely tender love.

Inspiration can be found all around if one is open to see. 

That day I felt blessed in so many ways by the sheer gift and miracle of life in all its forms.