Cradled in Love

One recent morning I awoke to the memory of a profound moment that took place while working on staff at the first hospice society I was involved in decades ago.  

In the early morning hours, as the images and emotions flooded through me again, I just sat with the felt sense and depth of it all.  Not pushing it away rather welcoming the invitation it was offering.

It was one of those experiences that falls into the category of the ineffable.  To even attempt to label or try to define it in words does not capture the full scope.  Yet, it has stayed with me all these years.  Perhaps it is now coming to mind again due to all the discord we are seeing in the world, which in turn often stirs our own internal conflicts for greater reflection, integration and healing.

Generally, hospice societies support people (including their families/loved ones) with a diagnosed, expected, life limiting illness.  As well as offering grief groups or one on one support after the death.  However, in this smaller city, the hospice society also had an ER team of very seasoned volunteers that I oversaw and trained to be present to the grieving family after a death occurred on site.  The calls were not frequent but when they did take place could happen at all hours of the day or night.   

The service was created as a compliment to the professional staff during busy times in the ER when someone died.  When they were stretched and did not have the capacity to sit for longer periods and offer quiet compassion for the loved ones who were present.  As their grief deepened, and the reality of the death took greater hold. 

These gracious, seasoned hospice volunteers were (and still are) a gift to the busy staff in this smaller community clearly concerned about the well being of those left behind. They continue to work in respectful collaboration with the full ER team when called upon.

One day a tender call came into our office.  Some of the other professional staff and I were invited over to the ER and upon arrival were told a young woman had died in an unfortunate accident.  There was a lot of chaos happening as a result.  After much discussion we made the choice to move her body to a private room for viewing.  I was then nominated to be present for the loved ones who would be given the option of seeing her and spending time with her body. 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, who heads the Center for Loss in Colorado, so tenderly speaks of “saying hello before you say goodbye”.  How important viewing the body can be for those needing to connect and anchor into the reality at hand while shock and disbelief often reign.  This is obviously held with great care and tender appropriate preparation happens before such an engagement occurs for those asking for the experience.  Others may choose not to partake in such an invitation.  Each is respected.

The level of grief was guttural and all consuming for the individuals as the news of this young woman’s death took greater hold.  In this kind of situation, one is reminded that we truly don’t have control over life itself.  At any moment things can change unexpectedly. 

Before taking them in to see her I inwardly prepared by asking for guidance to hold space and deep presence with love and compassion.  Knowing that I could not change the depth of grief and pain that would emerge, in the continued moments unfolding, I reflected on the range of reactions that were bound to occur.  It was important they be honoured and held with the utmost care.  The only thing I had control over was my response to the situation.  I quietly settled into my heart and being while in the raw moment at hand.  A basin of soap and water was prepared should they choose to touch or bathe her as part of that final loving connection and good-bye.  Though they would also be supported to have a viewing at the funeral home again later if they chose to.

While amid this tender, grounded moment a unique experience occurred.  Something so vast and expansive opened within me.  I was fully engaged and present to the dynamics at hand and yet simultaneously, found myself above it, being shown a different perspective and cradled in the most peaceful, calm energy and love.  Like being in the eye of the hurricane.  And yet I could also see (inwardly) that everyone in the room was being held in this same depth and grace of love, including the young woman who had died. 

As mentioned earlier, to try and put this into words is impossible.  At the same time there seemed to be a design for us all.  To learn, to grow, to be refined in our hearts.  Each facing and embracing the events at hand in their own unique way.  From that unique perspective, it wasn’t emotional per se, yet the depth of feeling was profound and all encompassing.  Love.  Love truly was the cradle and essence at the foundation of the experience.  Felt deeply within my whole being and heart.  As well for those in the room with me.  That sense and presence lingered for the longest time.

Eventually the loved ones were able to breathe a little easier (at least in that moment) and were ready to head home.  They were informed of the continued bereavement support available through the hospice society should they seek it in the coming weeks.  I was moved beyond words for the privilege of being invited into such a tender turning point in their lives.

As I headed home the felt sense of love and peace lingered.  Later I wondered if I was detaching or disassociating from the moment in anyway?  There was such peace within me that I was not expecting due to the circumstances.  But this was different.  My awareness and connection to the full event (which would later be integrated more fully) was real, while simultaneously feeling such a depth of love and a clear knowing that I was not alone.  And, again, held.  Cradled in love.  It lasted for days.  My body and being calm.  At peace.

Not long after I had a beautiful dream with the young woman who had died.  She was very creative in her life and the setting in the dream took place in a theatre which seemed appropriate on so many levels.  I suppose also as a metaphor for the theatre of life. The auditorium was empty, and I was sitting in one of the seats in front of the stage.  Next, she came bounding into the theatre with full exuberance, great joy and a rich, playful energy.  A huge smile on her face.  She looked stunning.  There had previously been a wound on her forehead that in the dream was scabbed over and healing.  She seemed so excited to see me.  I could feel her gratitude for the role I had played with her loved ones.  We talked for a while and then I asked her “what is the one thing about life that you learned that you were not aware of?”.  She instantly replied with a beautiful smile “how much I am loved!”.  She had not been aware of the breadth of love in her life until this moment.  It was breath taking.  I awoke from the dream deeply moved and changed.   Her joy, laughter, and love had lifted my heart profoundly.  It was healing.  I just laid there bathing in the grace of it all for the longest time.  Such a gift.

I have returned to this experience many times over the years in my own life. While amid hard and chaotic moments that seem more difficult to feel the under current of love.  It reminds me that if we open, even just a little, to the possibility perhaps we will discover we have been cradled all along.  By a greater love, by life and those around us in ways we have not allowed ourselves to see or receive. 

This deeply moving experience on my life journey has become a cherished gift. Pivotal events such as this have become launching points for a more compassionate awareness towards myself and others.  To be open, curious and trust in a greater design at play even if the moment at hand seems otherwise. 

Blessed indeed.

Photo courtesy of Jessica Anderson from Unsplash free photos.