The Vast Intricacy of Life's Design

The vast intricacy of life’s design continues to capture my sense of curiosity and wonder.  Not only does the synergy and unending creativity in nature fascinate me, but also that of the human condition and its artistry.  Coupled with our capacity for deep resilience. 

One simple moment creates a myriad of responses and perspectives perfectly designed for each person to uniquely learn and grow. Some aligned, some with chasms so vast one wonders if there will ever be a way to bridge between the two points of view.  And then there are the myriads of unexplored possibilities that lie in between.

When my husband was in the last weeks of life I took a weekend for self care and went to a spiritual retreat in a beautiful nature setting.  I had devoted myself to be at his side through it all but as often happens with caregiving I was exhausted.  When the possibility to attend the conference opened, he was settled enough to encourage me to travel as did my closest friends.  They would stand watch on my behalf.  Gratitude filled my heart, though the Mother Bear part of me was still strong, desiring to stay and protect him.  Be a supportive voice in his vulnerability.  His pain management had been immensely challenging.

On the one hand I was accepting of the circumstances but deep down I still struggled with the question of why?  Why did he have this rather unique and complex combination of ailments thus destined to endure such heightened bouts of pain? Most palliative circumstances are straight forward and easily attended to, bringing ease and comfort in the final days of life. This however was tricky for the seasoned palliative doctors and nurses who were attending, many of whom I knew from my years of work in the field. 

In the metaphor of birthing, some are easy, some intense.  His labour and birthing were turning out to be more complex. 

But I also watched as the collaborative professional team were being invited to learn new things because of those very conditions.  One palliative physician later told me that others would benefit in future because of what they learned from him.  A legacy I had not thought of prior. 

The guest speaker for the conference was a woman my husband and I had known for years and deeply respected.  She was aware of what was happening and made a point of reaching out prior to the event offering to spend time with me in support if needed.  The opportunity touched my heart, and I instantly accepted.

When we met in between the main events she was so loving and compassionate.  The time needed did not seem to be of concern in anyway.  Her full presence and heart could be felt.  Tears welled up more than once.  I just said, “Why, why does he need to go through this?”  I had never seen such a complex situation.  Emotionally, it had also been incredibly demanding to companion him.  As the physical discomfort surfaced in increasing waves, so did the emotional, intellectual and spiritual waves within him.  In turn, within me. In a way we were both called to heal and learn together in this intense design.  I too was being transformed.

So, when I shared with this gracious woman my struggle with the “why” she responded with an answer I will never forget.  She began by honouring my need to ask the question which I appreciated.

Personally, I would never stop anyone from asking “why” if that is what their heart needs to do.  Over the years, that question has led me to find meaning in challenging circumstances in my own life, even if the answer deduced was not a literal one.

But she went on to say something even more profound about the bigger “why”.  The over arching artistry of it all.  Though I can’t remember her exact words, they were something to the effect: “The design of this (and each moment in life) is so vast, complex and intricate that you will never be able to grasp its full scope.  Your husband is having his own unique experience, with his own crafted perspective that is right for him, to learn and grow.   You are having your own unique experience and together you are having a joint one within the weave between you.  Everyone who comes in and out of his palliative care room; from the staff to the other patients, friends and family are also having their own unique experiences with him, with you individually and witnessing what you are going through as a couple.  Others entering the room at different times the same.  And in turn they are going out into their lives and sharing their perspectives and experiences with others who are also being impacted by the situation.  It is rippling out in unspoken ways that you will never, ever, see fully and impacting each person.  In artful alignment with the design of their individual lives.  In turn the whole”.

As she spoke, I could envision the ripples from this one scenario going out into the community and its reach beyond.  In ways I had not thought of before. 

There was rich wisdom in her words.

I could in no way see the expanse of the higher design in it all.  My heart more impacted by the immediate challenging details at play.  Yet when she invited me to step back a vast tapestry revealed itself. Unique for each individual and yet profoundly interwoven with others.  Just like the unending creative intricacies in nature, beyond conception.

She also reminded me that we cannot know the full internal experience and perception of another.  Nor them of ours.  Each person is as unique as their fingerprint or the individual snowflakes that fall in winter. 

The one thing we can control and take responsibility for is our own learning, our own response and what we focus on.  Each moment of each day is an invitation to co-create an element of this design.

My husband died peacefully; pain managed in my arms thanks to the amazing palliative care team. It was a deeply intimate and transformative experience that I am still integrating all these years later.

Is the way I am engaging in a situation the most loving for myself and others?  Is there a way to better honour the greater wisdom of life and its intricate design?   First and fore most, how do I initially bring peace and harmony to the conflicts within my own heart and being?  In turn with my intimate family members, friends and community. 

For me, it always comes back to love.

The essence of love at the foundation of it all.  If I can move the needle, even a little on the scale to embody and live that truth more fully in the day-to-day intimacy of my own life, I suspect there will be a gentle ripple felt.  Along with a greater calm emerging from within. 

The vast intricacy of life’s design, breathtaking in so many ways.

Photo courtesy of Sigmund from Unsplash