The Beauty of the Feminine Heart, In Respectful Union with the Masculine Gifts

When I was preparing for my YouTube interview with Tom Golden on men’s grief we were talking before the recording and I said to him; “I believe I am more feminine in nature.  My stronger essence is the feminine”.  He instantly said, “No you’re not!”  I was a bit hurt by that and became defensive, then replied more adamantly, “Yes, I am!” Again, he replied, “No, you’re not.  You are both!” I said, “Both?” We had spoken on a different occasion prior to the interview which caused him to offer this different perspective.  He then went on to say to me; “The men on the airfield would never have accepted you the way they did if you did not have a strong masculine side as well”.  As a hobby I had obtained my glider pilot licence and flew for 12 years in a sea of men.  He again said, “You have a unique blending of both”.  I have contemplated that prospect many times since.

My father was masculine in his essence but very creative and had a deep reverence for the feminine which could be felt in unique ways.  With four daughters he encouraged us to follow our dreams and not to let anyone dissuade us from them.   He also knew that I admired Audrey Hepburn and one year gave me a book titled Audrey Hepburn, An Elegant Spirit.   It was a touching gift, reminding me of the beauty of my feminine essence and not to deny it or let it go.  Often my greater conflict was with my mother, who, as with many women of that generation, was carrying the emotional weight of the family; her children and that of my father in the post-war era.  She did not always have the tools to express her needs or follow her own dreams and creativity. Though she did belong to a quilting group and created beautiful crafts that she made in conjunction with others for events in her religious community.

I went on to tell Tom I was very nervous to do the interview on men’s grief which clearly showed because throughout the recording I talked more than usual and often (enthusiastically) interrupted him.  As a woman I was feeling a bit out of my league and anxious.  He asked me why.  I said, "Because I feel like I am representing every woman who wants to understand men’s grief to better their relationships and offer support". 

Prior to this, a long-time friend and colleague of mine, Garrick Colwell, had invited me to help create some free exploratory workshops on the subject for men.   He sat in on my initial discussion with Tom.  Though the original goal was to give a different opportunity for men to learn and share, each time we offered the trial workshops most of the people that signed up were women.  The one or two men who were courageous enough to join were applauded for their curiosity and bravery.  Emotional discovery is not always high on the list of the 10 most exciting things to do for men!  Yet they were SO grateful after, as were the women.  We discussed how men don’t always talk about their grief, until they feel truly safe to do so, rather process through individual or shared activities. 

One of the most powerful recent examples of this is displayed in the tender film “Hamnet” about the grief journey of Shakespeare and his wife after the death of their young son.  Lately it has been winning all kinds of awards.  I don’t want to spoil the ending, but it brings this truth home.  It is brilliantly directed and written.

After my husband died, to heal, and keep my heart open to life and adventure I took up flying gliders which are planes with no engines.  He was never interested in doing this while he was alive and it was something I always wanted to do.  I worked in my full-time professional role at a hospice society during the week, which was dominated by women and required the sensitivity of compassion, empathy, presence and a tender heart.  Then, on the weekends, drove an hour and a half to the airfield to learn to fly the gliders with the men.  Their adventurous spirits, unending support and encouragement, love for nature and discipline were inspiring.

Flying a plane with no engine is not something most people are running to, but I often found it both exhilarating and utterly scary at the same time!  It is a different art form in many ways and is beyond breath taking to be cradled in nature with vast horizons and vistas in full view.  Looking down at the mountain tops and being given a very different perspective helped to heal my grief and integrate my husband’s death.

If we pull back and look at the sport metaphorically, it is a profound blending of both expressions.  Nature is the engine and often associated with flow and the feminine.  Not always predictable but powerful and awe inspiring in its beauty.  You will not stay up for long if the wind and the elements do not cooperate or you have not blended with her offering in fluid and observant ways.  You can be in the sky for 10 min. or on a good day, hours.

Then there are the single-minded focus and strategy needed at critical moments which is often associated with the masculine principle.  You only have one chance to land.  There is no pulling up if you need to readjust on the landing and do a second time around like you can with a motorized plane.  Both the take off behind the tow plane and landing require single focused attention to accomplish the result.

For me, it has become a reflection of the masculine/feminine principles in artful balance.  A blending of structure and flow.  The right and left hemisphere working together.  Much like the river and the riverbank when in balanced harmony.

These qualities are found in both men and women and clearly defy formal gender. 

So many men I know are profoundly sensitive but also mask it to align with roles they too are expected to fill within society.  It has been moving to observe some of the men I know when they became fathers or reached their senior years and taken on the role of grandfather.  Open hearted men falling in love all over again when they engage with the little ones is stunning to witness.

Last fall I was contemplating doing more writing and began exploring the prospect of a memoir.  Just mapping out my life journey thus far has been fascinating.  In an initial workshop I participated in, we were encouraged to find a fairy tale or myth that we were drawn to.  The first assignment was to map out the story, reflect on the archetypal characters, their role, the arc of the story and lessons.  Then do the same with turning points in our own lives, and finally to overlap the two.  It was beyond powerful! 

At the time I used one parable that spoke to me but later came across a book titled The Heroine’s Journey by Maureen Murdock.  She is a Jungian psychotherapist and honours the role of dreams which I have documented and celebrated throughout my life.  Though within my spiritual practice I have come to embrace dreams in a much broader context beyond the paradigm of the subconscious that Jung refers to. 

Like many of us she was also intrigued by the work of Joseph Campbell who studied mythology and the world’s religions.  His research resulted in his now well celebrated concept of the “Hero’s Journey”.

Maureen’s book was incredibly powerful for me to read and life changing. She challenged Joseph Campbell.  Saying that in this modern world women need a different map.  Though she understood that the feminine is generally portrayed as the archetype of love and the gateway to the heart in most mythologies, in the real world her journey to align with that place, fully, requires different elements due to the design of the body she is born into.

She proposed that many women have separated from their true feminine essence to fit into a world that asks for different qualities to survive and often take on the mantle of a man to traverse the world as it is presently structured.  But at some point, it doesn’t work because she is not designed to operate that way. 

The premise of the book is about reclaiming and healing her connection to her own feminine nature which includes healing any unresolved wounds with her mother, and reconnecting to the wisdom of her emotions, sexuality and her body in more conscious ways.  Like the earth her body is a creative vehicle.  If a seed is planted and takes hold, she cannot walk away.  Something takes over that is out of her control and transforms her body completely to host, create and birth new life. 

Once she has truly realigned with this element within her own being she then is invited to turn to the masculine and heal the union.  Bringing the feminine into harmony with all that she has learned about the masculine qualities.  Then inwardly, with full intent, have the highest expression of each (both polarities) come together in a new more harmonious union. 

It is similar to a wise reflection I came across that Rilke had written about in Letter’s to a Young Poet on the same subject. And Sidney Poitier speaks of this same principle in his beautiful spiritual autobiography titled The Measure of a Man, specifically in one of the final chapters titled “The Nature of Opposites”. 

When the different elements are respected and embraced within each individual (both men and women) and they turn to each other in union, it results in a higher love.  Synergy at its highest.

As most are aware, the truth that love is the transcendent element beyond duality is found in most religious and spiritual practices throughout history.

Though I have been blessed in my hospice work to be able to celebrate my heart, intuition and the power of love, grace and compassion I have recently questioned if I truly allow that side of my nature to be fully seen and celebrated.  As I honour those qualities within my own heart more fully, I have started to become a little more courageous to share some of my experiences exploring this more openly in my writings.

I am deeply feminine in many ways, but Tom was right I also have strong masculine qualities that have allowed me to traverse this world with a rich, tenacious resilience and love for life.  All of life. 

Until reading Maureen’s book I did not realize how much I had moved out of my own deeper alignment with the rich feminine qualities in pure expression.  There has been something incredibly healing that has come from this journey of re-discovery.  Flowing over into my own well being, my relationships and work.

Wouldn’t it be a more beautiful life experience if we all could honour these polarities within ourselves first, bring them together in respectful union and then in turn with those we meet and engage with in our relationships.

Life never ceases to amaze me.

Photo courtesy of Nathan Dumlao from Unsplash free photos.