"Haven’t the Children Ever Told You About the Sound?" A Cherished Moment with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

There are often pivotal moments in people’s lives that lay a foundation of quiet encouragement for a deeper call to one’s life path.  We may not fully recognize it at the time but looking back it signifies a profound acknowledgement of things to come.

          In the early nineties I had such a moment with Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

          For those who do not know, she was a foundational pioneer in the scheme of championing the rights of the dying and bereaved.  Years ago (before the palliative and hospice programs we have in place now) she was appalled at the lack of humane treatment given to the dying and their loved ones within the medical system.  She wrote many books and stood up with a strong voice to highlight the right to dignity and compassionate care up to an individual’s last breath of life.  It was she and individuals like Dame Cecily Saunders, who founded the first modern day hospice St. Christopher's, in London, England that really helped to create the hospice/palliative care movement we are so privileged to have now in most of the more developed countries in the world.

          She is famous for her reflections on the stages of grief, initially shared from her observations of certain qualities that could often surface as individuals faced and adapted to the reality of their imminent death.  Later they were applied to those grieving a loss.  More recently, her concepts have been a foundational launching pad for new refined grief models to emerge.  My sense (and she spoke of this) is that she never meant her ideas to be a literal and linear progression set in stone, rather a more fluid, organic dance of sorts, with the key elements she observed at play. 

          In the later part of her life, she had numerous strokes which added to her physical decline and death.  Throughout her career in end of life care she was courageous enough to question the more existential, spiritual, ineffable experiences of the dying, stepping further outside of the traditional medical model approach.  Her writings have been published around the world and are respected to this day.

          It was in the early nineties when I first heard of hospice while attending a conference in the States that had a spiritual theme.  I was in my early thirties.  A woman presented on the main stage program who was a hospice volunteer and involved in one of the founding hospices in the US located in Connecticut.  She was a graceful human being and had such an ease with the subject of death that I was taken with her and the peace she emanated regarding the subject.  She spoke of unique experiences she had witnessed while working with the hospice patients. 

Experiences like them seeing light before they die.  Referring to light in an ethereal sense.  It fascinated me.  The more I listened the more I wondered if I would ever come to such a comfortable level with the subject?  In a sea of thousands of attendees at the conference, from around the world, I wished that I could have the chance to meet her and learn more.  Back home after the event I was surprised to find out that there was a hospice society in our local area.  A year later, back in the States at a similar conference, I learned that my new husband knew this woman and her husband!  What were the chances?  He introduced us and she became the initial person to encourage me to consider hospice work.  The serendipity was breathtaking.

In those invaluable, foundational years, I began by taking the hospice volunteer training which was quite extensive.    However, after the initial training I didn’t jump in right away, rather waited many months before committing.  I admit to initially being afraid and not sure I could be around that much death.  I was still young.  Wasn’t there a more fun theme to explore in my spare time?  But the prospect would not leave me, calling me through serendipitous moments and chance encounters at every turn!  I finally took the leap and got more involved.

A few years into the hands-on hospice volunteer experience, as I was slowly getting more comfortable adapting to the volume of death and intensity of emotion, Dr. Kubler-Ross was invited to be the guest speaker at an educational day hosted by the local hospice society I was involved in.  The Executive Director (at the time), Teresa Hotell and the founder of the organization, had been mentored by her.  Teresa is also an amazing woman, along with the Coordinator of Volunteers, Karin Brown who initially mentored me.  I clearly remember Elisabeth’s strong and tenacious character.  It was reflected in the way she spoke passionately about her life’s work. 

While presenting, she told a story about crawling her way (at least that is how I remember it) to the nurses’ station and demanding her release from the hospital after a stroke she suffered because she didn’t like the care she was being given!  Despite her body being compromised she was determined to go home and take her recovery into her own hands when she did not feel the care in the hospital was of benefit.  I could only imagine what it might have been like to work with her at times.  No doubt, inspiring and challenging all in one!  I discovered later that some people were offended by her direct manor, yet I marvelled at the fact she was a ground breaker.  Many of the people I have met who have blazed a trail for others are known for their tenacious natures and forth right personalities.  I was inspired by her courage, strength and tenacity to stand up for the rights of the dying when it had not been a popular thing to do.  All that hard work was paying off for better end of life care for us all. 

Later, she spoke of working with children who were dying and their immense, natural wisdom.  At the time, Canuck Place, the first free standing hospice for children in North America, was being promoted and due to open soon in Vancouver, BC.  You can see a beautiful interview with Betty Davies, a co-founder of the children’s hospice, in my YouTube series.  I was questioning the prospect of also volunteering with the dying children but not sure if I could find the strength as I was still adapting to the experience of working in the adult hospice programs. 

Yet, at one point Elisabeth also spoke of experiences children had with light and how open they are because they have not yet been fully conditioned by society to hold back on expressing what they are experiencing on a deeper spiritual level.  She drew a diagram of her perspectives on potential higher dimensions based on lived experience and what she had witnessed in her work with the patients.

In the middle of her talk, I felt a wave of deep emotion surfacing.  Wondered what was going on?  What were the tears surfacing about?  Something was reaching into my heart and asking for attention.  In many ways I could relate to the children’s experiences.

However, when she spoke about the children having experiences with the ethereal light, I was surprised that she did not mention the ethereal sound.  Though back then people did not speak of it as openly as they do now.  I had lost a cherished, close girl friend when I was eighteen to a tragic sudden death. 

After her death, it was in a grief dream, that was as lucid as how people describe near death experiences (yet with full faculty), that these strong elements of light, love and a deep penetrating, healing sound were present to me.  After the experience, I awoke with such peace and a feeling of being fully wrapped in love.  The experience changed my life and lifted my grief in a way no grief counsellor could touch.  It also sent me on a search for deeper truths in life in the years that followed.  I speak of this experience in more detail in my book Honoring the Mystery. 

When the conference was over, I watched as many people went up to Elisabeth and spoke to her about her talk.  I wanted to go up to her so badly but was a bit shy.  What would I say?  I also sensed that if I went up to her, I would be overtaken with tears. It was all I could do to hold them back in that moment. 

Now, you must understand that I am from good British/Welsh lineage and tears were considered not to be an appropriate thing to display in public (though I have improved over the years!). Yet, when would I ever have the opportunity to speak with Elisabeth again?  Surprisingly, attached to the emotion that was surfacing was also a sense of overwhelming gratitude in the moment.  Grateful for all the gifts in my life but also the abundance of rather unique spiritual experiences I have had, along with a depth of inner guidance that seemed to be at play, directing my life journey.

After the crowd of attendees cleared, I noticed Elisabeth speaking with some older women she had travelled with and was then able to muster the courage to approach her.  The minute I introduced myself I completely broke down into a puddle of tears.  That was unusual for me!  I was thinking, “Great first impression!”  It was uncontrollable, yet pure in heart.  There was no sense that it was attached to any loss I had experienced.  At least that I was aware of in the moment. 

It was more this compelling urgency to want to speak with her about the ethereal sound, though I was blessed to have found my own supportive avenues to help integrate these types of experiences into my day-to-day life.  Through the tears I said to her, “Can I talk to you?”  Elisabeth was wonderful, she gently took me aside and found a place we could speak privately one on one.  She gave me her full attention.  Sat me down directly in front of her as she also took a seat and looked deeply into my eyes.  Still weeping and hardly able to talk I then told her I was a hospice volunteer and proceeded to ask: “You know how you talked about the spiritual aspect (I believe she used the word quadrant) being open in children?  Well in my life I have had out-of-body experiences, have seen light and heard sound.  Haven’t the children ever told you about the sound?”  Tears continued to stream down my face.  Looking me in the eyes, she said enthusiastically and with a smile, “Of course they do!  They speak of the beautiful music they hear and how they love to bathe in it!”

“Well, it’s hard at times to have those types of experiences and do this work”, I responded.  “Sometimes I tell people that if they listen with their hearts, they will hear….”  She instantly broke in and put her hand on my arm and said, “But most people don’t listen with their hearts!”

As mentioned, I was in my earlier thirties at the time and replied, “Well, I can’t really talk about a lot of this with people”.  Instantly she questioned; “Why? I talk about it all the time!”  I jokingly said, “But it’s easy for you, you have gray hair.  People listen to people with gray hair!”  She started laughing, I was now smiling too and she put her hand on my arm and said, “But very old Souls can be in young bodies!”

Then we talked about listening to inner guidance and the often-amazing orchestration of life by the Divine.  We celebrated these realities together.  At the time, my life’s path had clearly taken a unique turn in the direction of hospice work which I had not expected.  As I was speaking of my experiences, she kept leaning into me and putting her hand on my arm saying, “You have been given a gift.  You have been given a gift!”  This in turn caused deeper feelings of gratitude for what seemed like Divinely guided moments in my life and the tears then started streaming down my face again; I just couldn’t hold them back.  Until that moment I was not aware of how much I had been holding inside.  This conversation was causing many of those feelings to come to the surface.  She was honouring of me on so many levels.  I felt truly seen and acknowledged by her.

We playfully talked about wearing brighter colours while doing this work and compared what we were wearing and then spoke of doing hospice work with children.  As mentioned, I had been contemplating some work in the future at the new children’s hospice but was unsure.  She said, “You will be put where you are needed the most, but I don’t need to tell you that, you already know that!”

Our conversation gently ended and while we stood and hugged each other; lightness was replaced in my heart.  I was grateful for the support and kindness in the exchange and thanked her for listening.  As I walked away quiet tears were still present, but I felt full at the same time.  She most likely had no idea how important that conversation was to me.

It was the very boost I needed to continue to stay open to validating and exploring these experiences when they occurred.  It was also a very personal affirmation for the many profound moments I have had in my life.  

A seed was planted to stay open to all that the dying and bereaved were experiencing.  To learn from what they shared and not be afraid to speak out on the subject and support the dying to have a voice regarding the less tangible dimensions of the transition at end of physical life.  To learn from what the dying are telling us when they are immersed in the live experience.  

It is beautiful to see the new research that is emerging, validating the importance of acknowledging these very experiences in the form of death bed visions and dreams.  These types of events have been documented throughout history, in many forms, and many cultures.  Finally, gently, now becoming more accepted to be openly discussed.

Though I have not been in a formal hospice role for many years now, it was not long after my meeting with Elisabeth that I was offered my first professional position at the hospice I was involved with at the time.  It led to many years in direct hospice work.  To this day I am (and will remain) a strong advocate for the importance of good end of life care and bereavement support for all.

I am truly grateful to Elisabeth for her kind encouragement and wisdom to fully see my heart and sensitivities and instead of judging them, rather celebrating the gift.  It has added to the depth to which I am able to be present to and serve those facing physical death and their families.  In turn, fully embracing the many dimensions and miracle of life itself. 

A blessing indeed. 

Thank you to Ria-Nurul-Kamariah for the photograph courtesy of Unsplash free photos.